How to NOT Break the Bank at the Grocery Store

Ok, so we all stash snacks in our rooms because sometimes cafeteria food just isn't enough (or is so gross that it actually makes you hungrier than before you ate).  The problem is that you are already spending approximately 1.79 buttloads on your dining plan, so you can't really load up on all the good snacks that you want.  Fortunately, I can get you in and out of the store for less than $15 if you are willing to follow my (crazed) lead.

Step 1: Go to Costco with your parents whenever they come to visit you and/or you go to visit them.  If you aren't flying back, come back with a car full of groceries.  If you are flying back, see if you can talk them into giving you grocery money (more on that later).  While you are at Costco, get:
- Cup of Noodles.  These cost like 30 cents each in bulk and you can have them as a late night snack, a quick lunch, or a portable dinner when you have night classes.
- Protein Bars.  Get something like this that you can throw in your backpack to tide you over until lunch at 1:30 (you wouldn't be in this situation if you had just followed my instructions when I told you how to register for classes).
- Emergency Chocolate.  Find some kind of bark or candy or chocolate-covered something so that you can nurse your 17 page theology essay with some fatty goodness.
- Fizzy Juices or Energy Drinks of some kind.  These are expensive and you can use them as barter later on.  "I'll give you an Izze if you edit my paper" is a very common phrase among us.
- Shampoo, Conditioner, Toothpaste, etc.  Stock up on this krap.

Step 2: Make a Freaking List.  Do not go to the store with only vague dreams about what you will get.  You will end up buying an entire pineapple and then realize that you have no way of slicing or storing it (at which point you will dissect it with a jack knife and force your roommate to eat most of it).  Keep in mind:
- Coffee supplies.  Creamer doesn't expire for like three months, so if you can fit the big jugs in your fridge get those - they're a better deal.  I suggest that you start liking Folger's coffee now because it is only $4 a bag.
- Breakfast Stuph.  If you eat breakfast in the dining hall, good for you.  I never do but sometimes I still want something breakfasty before class.  Generic cereal is good if you have milk.  Microwave oatmeal is good if you have a microwave.  Don't ever get frozen egg sandwiches or anything like that because mini fridge freezers can't keep that frozen.
- Chips.  Those big pre-school sized cartons of goldfish are your friends.  As are giant bags of generic tortilla chips.

Step 3: Stay out of the Clothes Section.  Unless you specifically need a certain kind of clothing, don't even go over there.  Just don't.  Stay in the food section and don't fall for the clearance bins that they put in the no-man's-land between the clothes and the food.  It's a trap!  They are just trying to lure you in and drown you in debt.

Step 4: Get the Cheapest Kind.  Oh, I'm sorry, do you like Sargento cheese better than Silly Moo?  SUCKIT!  Don't even look at the expensive slices!  Just grab your clearance string cheese and try not to wonder why cheese would ever be on clearance.

Step 5: Don't Let the Checkout Line Stuff Call Out to You.  All of that gum and candy and gossip that they keep up by the check-out, yeah, don't even look at it.  Pretend it's an eclipse and that it will burn your eyes.  Just look at your shoes and try to count the number of tiny flecks in the tile under you.  Never mind the weird looks that the cashier gives you when you blindly wave your cash in front of his face - you can't even see those looks so they don't exist.

With any luck, you will come home with a stash of goodies that will last you for a few weeks.  Yes, a FEW weeks.  Don't go to the store every week.  Buy the bigger version of whatever you need because it is usually cheaper than getting two regular sized things.  That way, you can budget about $30 a month for groceries and not feel like you are suffering in any way.  Sort of.