Isms of Small Schools

Small school share special traits that most medium and large schools just don't tend to have.  Weigh them as you will, most of these things could be good or bad depending on your preferences.

1) Professors go by their first names.
2) Buildings are spread out, but everything on campus is still within walking distance.
3) Stricter rules, harder to get away with things.
4) Higher population of discussion-based classes.
5) Fewer options for food.
6) Lower division sports teams.
7) Anonymity.  Get used to people not recognizing the name of your school.
8) No anonymity.  You will be recognized on campus.

Departmental Scholarships

Little known fact: many colleges offer scholarships that you can apply for after you have enrolled and declared a major.  These are known as departmental scholarships and most people apply for them sophomore year once they have settled on a major.  The idea is that if you prove that you have potential, the school will pay you to stay in their programs (seems a bit like bribery to me, "Here, I'll leave some money in your student account if you take these classes and write me good reviews *wink wink*", but I'll take it).

These usually max out at $1,000 or so - which is a huge help if you get several of them.  It helps to be involved in multiple programs (hah, you thought you wouldn't be stretched so thin after high school, didn't you).  For example, I am majoring in Spanish Education with a minor in Performing Arts.  So I can apply for two different scholarships in the spanish department, one in the education department, and a talent scholarship in the theatre department.  If I were to get all four of these, I would be paying about $2,500 less every year (which is a significant chunk of rent money).

So the point is: you must continue to beaf up your resume even after high school.  Put down that bottle of pills!

Grammar and Other Such Things

Oh hai so I hate grammatical fallacies.  I see these things happen entirely too often by otherwise intelligent people.  Seriously, if you purposefully make these mistakes because you think it's hip or something, you are now banned from reading my blog.

Anyway, here are 6 grammatical fallacies that no one should ever make after eighth grade:
1) i.  Unless you are literally typing out a text message, capitalize your stupid "I"s.  I understand that iPod has a lowercase "I" in front of it - that's fine but otherwise just don't go there.
2) Ur.  The only reason to write this ever (even in a text message) is because you don't know the difference between your/you're.  So really what you are saying when you write "ur" is "I am a moron and I'm trying to hide it but I can't because I'm such a moron".  Why would anyone want to say that?
3) There/their/they're.  Learn the difference, people!  There is a place, their implies ownership by a third party, they're is a conjunction of "they are".  Don't mix them up or I will hurt you.
4) #.  Unless you are tweeting, don't put six hashtags at the end of your sentences.  This goes for Facebook.  It especially applies to writing that isn't even digital - I was once passed a note in class with a string of hashtags at the bottom.  Who do you think you are fooling?  You aren't trending right now, you are being a fleshsack.
5) !!!!!!.  Get a grip.  Those make it seem like you are literally peeing on the floor because you are so excited.  The same goes for those creepy asian smilies that are made up of like 9 punctuation marks.  Just avoid excessive punctuation of any kind and stick to properly placed periods, commas, apostrophes, and question marks.
6) Apostrophe s.  Apostrophes are not like bacon bits that you can just randomly place before s's and be correct.  Learn the freaking rules and then stop being dumb.

Don't feel bad if you make these mistakes, just FIX THEM.  This sign is posted near my dorm: "Throw out you're own trash's pleeze!!!!!".  Ushkjgbhrsjgtaorwuaefnkjlsdm,jkhtsreioil.  I think I just had a stroke from reading that sign.  Just don't be like whoever made this sign and you should be ok.

Jesus Moments!

Ok so I am a Christian, albeit a sarcastic one, so if you aren't then tough potatoes because I am writing this post.

God said that He wants all of us, completely, all throughout the day.  Most of us really only spend time with God on Sunday, or maybe a little bit in the morning with a devotion or something.  We do this because we see spending time with God as something that we have to set apart time for, but it totally isn't.  This is where Jesus Moments! come in.

Jesus Moments!: n, little bits of Jesus that can be slipped in to your day whenever you have a spare second.  The exclamation point is obligatory.

Jesus Moments! are a super easy way to feel more connected to God, and will get you a little closer to living every part of your life for Jesus.  Here are some ways to incorporate Jesus Moments! into your day:

1) Take one verse a week and write it on a sticky that you can put on your planner or binder or computer (anything that you tend to always have out).  Whenever you see the sticky, repeat the verse to yourself (or to Jesus, as the case may be) - you can keep a tally of the number of times you say it at the bottom of the note.  Memorization is a certainty!
2) Pray while you brush your teeth.  In the morning, ask for strength or knowledge or anything you need; at night, tell Jesus how you saw Him move throughout the day, or thank Him for giving you what you needed.
3) When you are doing homework, stop at the bottom of every page and think of one thing that you love about God, or that He has given you, or that You are struggling with.  I like to write these at the bottom of the actual page that I am working on, that way when I review I can see how things have/have not changed.
4) Look up some sermons online from your church at home or from a favorite speaker and listen to them while you get ready in the morning instead of music.
5) Actually think about the words to all of the praise songs that you love while you sing along to them while you drive.
6) Pray before you eat.
7) Have a cup of tea with Jesus every time it rains (I live in Washington).  I might be crazy, but I like to set out a cup for Him too and just sit there quietly with Him - no memorizing or reading or reciting prayers, just sit with Him like you would with a good friend.
8) Pick one thing a week or month that you want to work on (lying, being lazy, impatience, etc) and talk to God about that one thing whenever you walk to class.  Make sure you give Him time to talk back to you.
9) Assign specific meaning to several things around your dorm.  Ex: whenever I brew a pot of coffee, I thank God for something (usually the way coffee smells).  Ideas include: the act of sitting at your desk, putting on a coat, locking the door, etc.  Any little activity where you have two consecutive seconds where your hands are busy.
10) Read a scriptural book veeeeerrrrry sllllloooooowllly.  I'm talking like one paragraph every night right before you turn off the light.  This gives you time to think about what you are reading and really digest it.

The great thing about Jesus Moments! is that they don't take up any extra time in your day, and by including just a few of them every day you will feel so much more focused and aware of God.  He just wants to spend time with you, after all.

Those 5 Questions

In pretty much any conversational context, people will only ever ask you 5 questions about college.  You will answer these 5 questions over and over until you would rather rip off your own arm just to have something to fend off the conversation with.

Those 5 Questions are:
1)  So where are you going to school?  Oh gosh, it's like not only was the last conversation that I had with this person about college boring, but they don't even remember it and so now I must have it again. Seriously, if you are going to pretend to care, at least remember what you are pretending to care about.
2) What's your major?  Clearly not conversational skills or I would have seen you coming a mile away and made a run for it.
3) Do you like it?  No, I am choosing to study something that I hate for the rest of my life.  I am just such a sadist that I would like to suffer for all eternity.   Really, I need not have bothered because I could have just had THIS conversation.
4) What do you want to do with that major?  Oh come on, this question is "what do you want to be when you grow up?"'s big brother.  It's time for some more creative questions here, people.
5) Are you getting good grades?  Well, see, I've spent 13 years now in our messed-up education system  in which being good at school matters more than actually learning and retaining information, so considering the fact that I have pursued more expensive ways to spend my life in this system, I think I'm pretty good at it by now.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the thought or that this isn't a perfectly valid conversational outline, but I have had this exact conversation more that 30 times.  I stopped counting after 32.  Watch the most entertaining cat video 30 times and you will begin to hate yourself - and this conversation is no cat video.  I would love to talk about college with people, but only if they can come up with some original questions, or maybe even comment back once and a while.  That's the thing with these questions: no one ever has anything to say about your answers! "What's your major" "Spanish Education." "Oh... so you would ... well, What do you want to do with that major?" "Gee, I don't know ... maybe EDUCATE someone about SPANISH"  Out of the 30+ times that I have had this conversation, I have never had anyone say anything interesting back to me after I respond.  No wonder I'm cynical.

I'm writing this post now because it is the holiday season which means you will, in all likelihood, see some relatives and acquaintances who will want to ask you these questions.  So I have prepared some answers and responses that make the conversation slightly more bearable.

1) So where are you going to school?  Answer with your school's name and the state/city that it's in (to head off Question #1's twin brother "Where is that?").  Then, before your person can say anything else,  tell them something interesting about the school/city/state that you would like to talk about.  If they bite, you can delay the rest of the conversation.  I like to go with "Oh yeah, Whitworth is in Washington.  They say that the skiing up there is ok but I don't think it compares to Colorado."
2) What's your major? The best tactic here is to scare them away.  Tell them what your major is and then start talking about that really interesting and technically complex that happened to you in that class with a really long name while you were studying this subject that no one has ever heard of.  Try to drop in three words that your person won't be able to pronounce, and round it all of with a question back at them in another attempt to steer the conversation away from the rest of the 5 Questions.  For example, "Oh, I'm majoring in Spanish Education, so I'm taking a whole bunch of these really hard Spanish classes.  I took the CLEP language proficiency test at the beginning of the year and I got put in a Junior level class that I was really excited about, but the teacher turned out to be a total moron.  Once, she was trying to explain how to conjugate in the pluperfect subjunctive tense but she got it completely confused with the preterite imperfect tense and had no clue.  Did you ever have any teachers like that?"
3) Do you like it?  If your person is still asking the questions at this point, you are doing something wrong.  Still, the best way to answer this question is by sounding unsure about how committed you are, but putting on a brave face.  "Well, I love Spanish and I've spent a long time in school learning all of the grammar and vocab and stuff, but I've never really taken any education classes so I don't know how I'll feel about that.  I figure that it's always useful to speak another language and I could easily major in something else as well.  I'm pretty sure that I'll stick to Spanish Ed because it's what I'm passionate about, but I'm trying to stay open to anything at this point."  Notice that you never actually answered the question.  Ms. Cyr would be so disappointed after all of her "Answer the Prompt!" AP prep stuff.
4) What do you want to do with that major?  Admittedly, for some majors (like Psychology - seriously, what could you possibly spend your life doing with a Psych major) this is a legitimate question, but people don't seem to care if your major has an obvious career path attached to it, they will still ask you this.  It is best to just flat-out answer whilst making a last desperate stab to not have to answer the last question.  "I'm hoping to teach Spanish on a high school level, but there are always jobs for translators and stuff.  Still, I would rather people listen to what I have to say, then what some other person is saying through me, you know?"
5) Are you getting good grades?  You have been defeated.  They got all 5 question in.  Just give up and walk away. "Oh yeah, I'm pretty good at school by now.  Sorry, it looks like my mom wants me to help her with some hosting job that I just made up on the spot, excuse me."

You are now armed with the weapons you need to fend off The 5 Questions.  Just remember SIT CUB FAR: Something Interesting, Technical Crap, Unsure Brave-Face, Answer, Run.  Good luck running the holiday gauntlet.  At least you know that I am here for you with semi-helpful, heavily sarcastic responses to all of your questions.

Christmas Gifts on a College Budget

Disclaimer: this post will assume that you are not overly crafty or you could just make everyone on your list a hat and be done.

You are in college, so your budget for gifts is pretty much 00 dollars and 00 cents.  I promise that you will be breaking this budget, although maybe not by as much as you had feared.  The first thing to do is go buy a pack of Christmasy blank cards - like the kind that come in sets of 20 at Walmart.  Write a nice, handwritten note for everyone on your list.

Now, divide your list into three categories:
1: people who drink coffee. Go to World Market and get these people mugs - they have a bunch of designs there and the mugs are usually 5 bucks.  Sign up for a membership and they give you 20% off, but give them an old email address because they will spam you.
2: People who don't drink coffee and are not children.  Get these people novelty items that no one really has any use for, but that are fun to open and think "what the heck?" (like hats with attached beards for the wannabe hipsters).
3: People who are children and thus are not really people but are labeled as such anyway.  Children's paperbacks are dirt cheap on Amazon.  Get magic treehouse or animal ark and add some candy to the package so that it isn't entirely educational.

There is also the secret fourth category of people who it is impossible to shop for because they will see through the tackiness/cheapness of the above gifts and will not think that your nice personal card makes up for it.  I can't help you with these people.  You might just have to spend money on them.

Happy shopping!

Useful College Skillz

There are some things that it is always good to have up your sleeve, just to seem awesome for a few seconds.  So here are some things that it might be good to learn how to do before you hit college.

1) At least one decent party trick
2) Epic shadow puppets - something beyond a bird and a dog
3) Play the piano and/or the guitar.  You really only need to know one or two really good songs
4) Gymnastics of any kind - the splits, cartwheels, flips, anything that looks vaguely dangerous and makes people afraid that you might hurt yourself
5) Ostrich riding.  It is harder than it looks
6) Impressions
7) Card tricks and/or basic magic
8) Really good sidewalk chalk drawing.  If you can make it look like there is a big hole in the ground with hoopoes frolicking about beneath you, that is legit
9) Supermegafoxyawesomehot dance moves
10) Build something out of snow that isn't a snowman

Things Your Teachers Tell You that You Wish were Lies but are Actually True

Oh no.  Everyone has that moment when they realize that their teacher was right.  Dang it.

So here is the list of Things Your Teachers Tell You that You Wish were Lies but are Actually True:
- Things do need to be formatted correctly.  When your teachers ask for your last name to appear at the top of every page, or for the title to be in bold but not in a large font, just do it.  Make those stupid little formatting things the first thing you do when you start writing a paper.  Many profs just won't accept papers that aren't properly formatted.
- Wikipedia is not a valid source.  When you write papers in college, there is ALWAYS the possibility that you will get published.  The absolute last thing you want is to have some erroneous fact challenged and then have to reveal that you got it off of Wikipedia.  You might as well be making things up.  Just don't risk it - stick to articles from peer reviewed journals.
- Highlight your reading assignments.  I hate the phrase "close-read" because it is an evil neologism of Peak, but it is a valid concept.  You just don't retain enough if you just read and don't highlight or take notes.  Look at your essay prompts ahead of time and keep an eye out for quotes or arguments that you can make.

Those are the things that I have noticed so far.  There are certainly more but I'm probably conveniently ignoring them because I'm too proud to admit that Hankla had a point about writing in pen.  Grr.

Christmas Break, Y'all!

Major accomplishment, guys: I have finished my first semester of college!  I am now more highly educated than some significant proportion of the country that I am way too lazy to look up.  *Fist bump!*

This is a good time to talk about the college time-table.  Stop thinking about "four years".  I know it is tempting - you spent four years in high school, so it makes sense to think of college like that too, but it is an erroneous assumption.  College is not four years.  It is eight semesters.  This is an important distinction because every semester you will get new classes, new teachers, a new big fat tuition bill, and a new hatred for cafeteria food.

Anyway, make sure you don't make the mistake of undermining your accomplishment of conquering each and every semester!  It's a big deal to pass all of your classes over a four month period - and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  Hats off to all of my fellow 1/8 of the way there-ers, as well as to all of you yet-to-be-former-peakers-ers.  May you all pass 1/8 of your classes :)

Cheers!

Lies Your Teachers Tell You

Just kidding!  There will be a post today even though it is still finals week because I need a freaking break.

I have some very exciting news for you: most of the time, when your high school teachers tell you a rule that sounds dumb, it is a rule that only applies to high school!  I knew it - there is no way that "linking verbs" was something that we actually have to avoid.  I mean, come on!  It is not possible to write anything without "were, to, be, is, was, has, etc".  It was all lies.  My lit professor has never even heard of linking verbs.

Start your count-down clocks because the following is a list of things that you will be able to stop worrying about the second you graduate:
- Using third person.  Most of my profs actually PREFER it when you use first person to express your own ideas.  If you go read some peer-reviewed scholarly essays, they totally use first person when they want to.  This applies mostly to literary papers and such, but when was the last time that you felt the need to write "I have observed the same phenomena as Newton" in a paper about physics?  Anyway, if you feel like your sentence is clunky because you are avoiding first person, feel free to use it (in college).
- Linking verbs. (see above) I don't know about you, but I don't think that I ever worried about linking verbs after we finished that unit freshman year.  Still, feel free to continue ignoring that made-up rule.
- Having your works cited page graded.  It has to be present and appear correct, but no one will ever sit down and look up all of your sources to make sure you cited them right.  Just use Easy Bib and be done  because it's good enough. (If you plan on publishing something, that's a different story, but even then you won't be graded on your works cited, just held accountable for it)
- Single-spacing long quotes.  You know that thing where if your quote is more than five lines long then you have to indent it and make the font smaller and single-space it?  Well that is mostly valid, but the single-spacing thing is just a way for your teachers to try to keep you from messing with the minimum length.  Just indent your quotes and leave it at that.
- The "3 levels".  This suckish phenomena is a creation of Peak and does not exist anywhere else.  Guess what?  Apparently most people don't need a little chart to tell them what kind of question they are asking - they can just tell.  Shocking.
- Annotating the prompt.  It is equally shocking that most people are capable of answering a question without first defining every word, writing out steps, and re-stating it in their own words.  No one saw that coming.

So breathe a sigh of relief that you won't have to worry about certain Peakisms after high school.

Unfortunately, there are some things that you will continue to worry about.  Coming soon (with "soon" defined as "the next time I need a freaking break from studying"), Truths Your Teachers Tell You that You Hoped were Lies.

It's the Most Stressful Time of the Year!

Hello week before finals!  I missed you! NOT

Unfortunately, this means that all posting will be put on hold until next friday because shockingly I do have to study at some point.  Blame finals if you are upset.  Nothing would please me more than to provide you all with some humorous blog-breaks from studying for your own finals, but alas I do not have the time.

Go study, you peakers!

Fire Alarms

The fire alarm only goes off at 2 in the morning (actually, that is newton's fifth law of motion).  Now there is a very good chance that you will be involved in the early morning shenanigans that resulted in a ping pong ball being accidentally exploded with a lighter that ended up setting the fire alarm off, but if you weren't then you will probably be asleep when the alarm goes off.

In order to survive such evacuation scenarios, follow these steps before leaving your room:
1) Feel the floor with your hand.  If it is hot or if you hear screaming, skip to the last step regardless of your current condition.
2) Assuming that there is no obvious danger other than the alarm going off, get out of bed and make sure that you are wearing pants and a shirt.
3) Put on some shoes that aren't slippers and that are waterproof (because this is Washington (well, it's Washington here anyway) and it is probably raining outside.
4) Grab the nearest jacket.
5) Make sure you have your emergency deck of cards so that you won't be bored standing in the rain for 40 minutes while the firemen make sure that the only reason for the fire was idiocy and that there isn't some kind of mythical secondary fire that will kill everyone the instant you enter the building.  Similarly, if you have a car you can grab your keys and drive to McDonald's while they sort everything out (make sure you also have your license and wallet).
6) Take your keys with you because you will need to get back into the building at some point.
7) Leave your room and follow the screaming hoards down the stairs and out the fire exit.  Do try to scream in harmony with the fire alarm as you flee in an orderly fashion - it is too early in the morning for excessive dissonance.  Watch out for ROUSes

Good job!  Now you are all set to survive this minor emergency without being cold and/or barefoot in the rain or getting bored waiting for the RD to get his act together.

How to write a Limerick

This is a skill that is always handy.

I feel bad about this, but the only limerick that I actually know is a dirty one.  So if you are squeamish, skip the next few lines:
There once was a man from Beirut
Who had warts all over his root
He put acid on these
And now when he pees
He fingers his root like a flute

I am truly sorry but that is the only example I know.  If you want another example, go read Stacia's wall (if you know her, if not, google "limerick" or something).

Anyway, limericks are always useful for inside joke allusions, or making fun of people.  You should definitely know how to write one because you never know when you may need to sound clever whilst you make fun of someone.

A limerick is composed of 5 lines:
Line 1: 8 syllables, rhyme A
Line 2: 8 syllables, rhyme A
Line 3: 6 syllables, rhyme B
Line 4: 5 syllables, rhyme B
Line 5: 8 syllables, rhyme A

Generally speaking, you can add or drop up to one syllable per line if you have to.

So there you have it!  Limerick away!

Used Books

I would highly encourage you to buy used books.  BUT not because they are cheaper.  You should buy used books because they have the potential to make your life easier.  Most used books will have writing  or graffiti of some kind in them.  About 90.64% of the writing in used books appears to have been done by a drunken moron.  These are the comments that either make no sense but try to sound smart ("Hamlet is obviously Post Modern here"), or that are just plain dumb ("She wants him now"), or that are so obvious it hurts ("He's mad about her sleeping with his dad").

BUT sometimes you get a book whose previous owner was intelligent enough to be useful for more than just entertainment.  If you happen upon one of these lucky books, your reading time just got cut in half because now you only have to read the highlighted parts.  Score!

These books are rare but worth it.  So I would suggest buying the books that say they have highlighting or writing in them.  They are cheaper and you may just get some free entertainment or cliffs notes out of them.

What is a "Peaker"?

I have branched out, guys!  There are people that never went to Peak reading my blog now (pretty exciting, no?).  So I have decided to clear up the meaning of the word "Peaker" just so that everyone will be clear and can clearly see what I am clearly talking about.  Is that clear?  (Is it just me or has the word "clear" lost all meaning?)

Peaker: n, someone who went to Peak to Peak Charter School for long enough to become acculturated to its college prep-ness and over-acheiving student body.  OR, someone who, even though they never attended Peak, still possesses some of the qualities of a Peak student, namely: being an overachiever, enjoying school (but not admin), becoming involved in school groups/organizations, and being enough of a hipster to live so close to Boulder.

"But, Haley," you are saying, "Despite your very clear definition of a Peaker, I'm still not sure if I am one..."

Good question! (even though it wasn't actually a question, more of a statement with an indicated query).

If you are a Peaker, you should be able to answer "yes" to at least 6 of the following questions:
1) Did you, when reading the above imagined conversation, notice that you didn't actually ask a question before I clarified that the question was implied?
2) Does it bother you if I dont put the corectly spelled words an grammar in my sentances, or when I includ typos to a certain xcess?
3) Are you currently wearing (or plan to wear today) the following articles of clothing: anything homemade, legwarmers, a slouchy beanie, an ugly sweater, brightly patterned tights, skinny jeans, a "unicorn horn" hairstyle, a thespian hoodie/t-shirt, or a floor-length skirt?
4) Do you sing along with the songs in Disney movies?
5) Would you be willing to sit outside the mall and play music on an out-of-tune instrument with me in 10 minutes?
6) Do you have at least one of the following bands on your iPod: Imagine Dragons, Of Monsters and Men, Fun, Mumford and Sons, Horse Feathers, Young the Giant, or Blind Pilot?
8) Do you have very strong opinions about everything? (Did you just think, "Well not EVERYTHING, but some things..."?  Yeah, that means that you even have a strong opinion about what you have strong opinions about.  This is worse that I thought).
9) Did you notice that I skipped the number 7?
10) Is it possible to drive to a restaurant that is 17.59 minutes away, order, eat, and drive back in under 40 minutes?
11) Have you ever read a book for fun instead of watching daytime television?
12) On a coolness scale from boogers to Christmas cookies, would you rate school spirit somewhere between cantaloupes and those black goldfish with huge popped-out eyes?

There you have it!  Don't worry, even if you aren't a Peaker, you can still get something out of my blog, it just might not be as funny as it would be if you understood the following pun: "I was late to class yesterday, but I wasn't Tardis because if I had one then I could have gone back in time and showed up early".  Wow, that was so bad.  Please forgive me.

Fight on, little Peakers!  Now go back to studying for AP tests and the ACT.

My Neighbor's Name is Hannah

Hannah is my neighbor
She is sitting in my roommate's chair
She is trying to figure out a time to meet with someone
Her computer is sitting in her lap
Now she is telling me about her live lab
It could end anywhere between 12:40-12:50
She is hoping to arrange her schedule so that she can get to work faster
She likes it when professors are friendly
That way she can email them without writing an essay
I'm not sure if she knows that I am writing a blog post about her
I mean, she can see my computer screen but she isn't really paying attention
Now she is just sitting there
Her outfit is supa cute today
I can't believe she hasn't objected to this yet
If she stays silent for much longer I am just going to publish this
Because I have nothing better to write about
And this is probably more informative than my blog usually is anyway
Too late, now this is published
Sorry, Hannah

Christmastime!

Fun fact: "Christmastime" is all one word!

Not gonna lie, it is a little hard to get in the holiday spirit in college.  You're stressed, you're far from your family, you have to make all new traditions, your ostriches all go home to Australia, etc.  There are, fortunately, easy ways to feel Christmassy.

1) Buy one of those candle wax melters (which are permitted in dorms, but candles aren't) and get some pine tree or cinnamon or pumpkin scented wax.  Don't buy cookie scented anything though or you will be hungry ALL THE TIME.
2) Steal Christmas lights from your house over Thanksgiving break and decorate your room and the hall outside your room with them.  Similarly, you can get cheap stockings and other such nonsense at Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and thrift stores.
3) Get candy canes or holiday coffee creamers or hot chocolate or something so that you can taste the holiday deliciousness as well as see it.
4) While you are at the thrift store, get a really warm and equally ugly Christmas sweater.  Actually, get two and send one to me in the mail! (Seriously, you should totally do that because it would make my day).
5) Christmas music is da bomb.  Amy Grant has a really good Christmas album (and if you don't know who Amy Grant is, maybe you should be hungry all the time).

Nooks and Crannies

I present to you a scenario: You have a class that is far away from your dorm, and then a half hour hole in your schedule, and then another class that is close to the last one but still far away from your dorm.  What do you do?

Find a nook and/or cranny.

A nook/cranny is defined as any place where you can sit at do homework or read or listen to music or practice witchcraft where no one will disturb you and you have relative privacy.  It also helps if your nook has internet access and comfy seats.

You will discover that you often have holes in your schedule like the one that I forced you to imagine above - times when it would be inconvenient to return to the dorm but you still have time to kill.  The solution here is to find a nook and do a chunk of homework (or some last minute studying for the class that you have next).  Nooks are easy to find on college campuses and it is best to have a stash of a dozen or so places where you know you can work if your roommate suddenly decides to watch cat videos for hours at a time.  (or you could stop being such a peaker and watch the cat videos with her)

To find nooks:
- Look on the upper floors of buildings: there is less traffic there and you can usually find an armchair by a window or a comfy bench tucked into a corner.
- Start exploring the humanities buildings: these are usually older than the rest and will have random student lounges or unused offices that no one will care if you train porpoises in.
- Pay attention to the scenery: nooks also exist outside (actually, the best nooks are the ones that are outside), if you can find a shady bench or a dry patch of grass or a hidden flower garden with adirondack chairs, you are golden.
- Point yourself at big windows: anytime there is a big picture window in an atrium or hall, there will usually be couches and other such nonsense there.
- Libraries are king: some of the best nooks are the ones that you decide exist in the middle of a row of books.  Sit down opposite some copies of Whitman poems that haven't been checked out since 1987 and you will get more done than you ever have before.

For some reason, people who make signs and door plaques for college halls are unaware of the word "nook" (I mean really people, read my blog dang it!), so be on the lookout for these codewords that mean nook: study lounge, student lounge, computer lab, coffee shop, cafe, loft, practice room, studio, and *blank door*.

Going Home!

I am so glad that I own a suitcase.  It is very hard to fly home without a suitcase and very easy to drive to school and forget to bring one.  Haha!  I win!


What?  Did you expect an actually informative post today?  Too bad - I'm busy packing my tardis.

Interspersal

Quick term definition here: Interspersal - the action of breaking up your homework into chunks separated by little tasks that make it more manageable.  It is absolutely paramount to college.

To Intersperse, you stop three or four times per assignment and do something else.  Set up the breaks beforehand so you don't cheat.  Like you can stop every few pages or problems or vocab terms learned, etc.  Make the tasks in between little, like things that take no more than 5 minutes, or you will be Interspersing all night long.

There are three kinds of Interspersal
1) The "I have a bunch of stuff to do that isn't homework": this is what you do when you need to do a bunch of homework but also have to clean and do laundry and wash dishes and go for a run.  This is the kind of Interspersing that isn't fun.  You stop every few pages and sort laundry, then stop and put a load in the machine, then stop and do dishes, then stop and put the load in the dryer, then stop and put on your running clothes, etc.

2) The "I hate this subject so I need motivation to work on it": this is what you do with your gen eds, or super boring assignments.  Let yourself watch one cat video on youtube per page of notes, or stumble once per problem, or eat a starburst every five vocab words.

3) The "I really want to watch that TV show but I also have to do homework": this is where you take really long "commercial" breaks so that you can still feel vaguely productive whilst watching "How I Met Your Mother".  You have to synthesize the presence of commercials because they don't usually exist anymore.

Registration... ugh

I would rather spend another 9 years at Peak than be forced to register as a Freshman again.  The vast majority of schools have your register at specific times based on the amount of credit you have; that way, seniors get the classes they need, and freshmen who didn't take AP classes get to sort through the boring classes.  I did have AP credit so I got to register with the slacker sophomores but still, it's a nightmare.

The steps to registering are as follows:
1) Figure out which classes you want to take
2) Organize the sections of those classes so that they fit together into a working schedule
3) Realize that you can't take most of the classes you want to because they are ALL at 11:20 M,W,F
4) Organize a new schedule that you will actually be able to use without a time-turner
5) Wait two weeks for your registration day
6) Watch as the classes that you really want to take fill up
7) Replace the full classes with back-ups
8) Watch your back-ups fill up
9) Replace the back-ups with krap classes
10) Finally hit the registration button, only to realize that you have been wait-listed for half of your krap classes
11) Sigh heavily and try not to think about the fact that you are paying $15,000 a semester to take krap classes

I would suggest that you major in something obscure.  Pick a small program with less that 15 people in it.  That way, you will never have to stress over registration - so what if four years from now you do have to stress over the fact that you graduated with a degree in Pediatric Alzheimers and now you can't find a job?  So What?

Today on This Episode of Amazing Discoveries!

I have made an amazing discovery!  Actually, my roommate made this up last night but it is awesome so I will now take all of the credit for it.  Ha ha!

The best hot-chocolate on the face of the planet:
Take one mug of milk and microwave it until it is hot.  Add a heaping spoonful of Nutella.  Stir until all of the Nutella has dissolved.  Blow bubbles into the milk with a straw to make it frothy.  Drink it up and die a chocolatey death when your mind is blown.

I am sure that Nutella is worse for you than chocolate syrup or powdered hot chocolate but it is also FREAKIN AMAZING!

Now, be a true college student and peruse an ancient copy of Walt Whitman whilst you drink hot Nutella milk and sit on a bench in the quad.

Necessities that are Necessary #3

Yeah so I don't really have anything else to tell you to go buy.  Let's face it, if you bought everything I told you to buy, you would need to pick up a second job.  The logical thing would have been for me to just write a post about something else but I thought that this would be more fun.  Also, I had already typed in the title and now I'm too lazy to change it.

The moral of this story is that song birds a better at Monopoly than tomatoes are.  Also, if a train is traveling west and 20 miles per hour, and the track has a friction ratio of .23 and the wind is blowing north at 5 knots, and the land is sloped 3.6%, you should definitely paint the train blue.

You learn something everyday.

Necessities that are Necessary #2

Necessary necessity #2: a bike lock

There are varying degrees of security that you can achieve with a bike lock.  I am assuming that you all know the basic purpose of locking your bike so I'm not really going to go there.

Level 1: The Kickstand.  The only time that it is safe to just prop your bike up and walk away is when you are parking it in your own driveway or garage and you know all of your neighbors.  Never do this on a college campus.
Level 2: The Rope.  Ok we get it, you are being ironic by tying your bike to that lamppost with your shoelace.  Really you are just asking to come out and find your shoelace tied in a neat little bow and your bike gone.
Level 3: The Padlock and Chain.  This is acceptable.  It's not great because chains are easy to cut, but it is better than nothing.
Level 4: The U-Lock.  "U" learn well, grasshopper.  There is no possible way to steal a bike that is properly secured with a u-lock without attracting major attention to yourself and the fact that you are lugging drills and welding equipment across campus.

Some campuses are more secure than others but I would suggest that you buy a good u-lock no matter where you are going to school.  If you are attending a particularly large or uncivilized school, you might want to buy a u-lock that is big enough to pass through your front tire as well as the frame of your bike and whatever you are locking it to.  Most u-locks are only really wide enough to secure the frame of your bike, but in most places there isn't a black market trade in front tires.

Regardless, make sure that you write down the serial number, make, and model of your bike so that if it is stolen, you can recover it.  It is also a good idea to either have a place to store it inside during the winter or buy a tarp and wrap it up so that the chain doesn't rust off.  Just a thought.

Working Out

Working out is evil and it sucks until you get used to it (at which point you are no longer a human being so you might as well be fat anyway).  Fortunately, there are ways around working out.

And so I present: My Epic List of Ways to Work Out Without Feeling Like You are Working Out

That title might need work

1) Build a really big snowman.  If you have ever spent an hour bent over rolling large amounts of frozen water around and then lifting said frozen water up onto other mounds of frozen water, then you can attest to how heavy frozen water is.  Extra props if you try not to get too wet - squatting is a much better workout than kneeling, and it is much harder to lift things when you won't let them touch your body.
2) Ride your bike to the store.  You are a college student so you have no money for gas even if you have a car.  Ride your bike but make sure you don't buy more groceries than you can fit in your backpack or you will be in trouble.  It also helps if you remember to bring your backpack.
3) Study in the lounge downstairs.  But, you can only bring down one thing at a time so you will have to make trips back and forth up the stairs to get all of your stuff.  If you need a challenge, try hopping up the stairs with both feet together (don't do this down the stairs because you might be carrying a compufer and it is very easy to trip) (also, don't tie your feet together - it makes it really hard to keep your face from making sudden, violent contact with the ground).
4) Carry a lot of heavy things in your backpack.  This isn't high school.  My backpack usually has about 5 pounds of stuff in it.  But, if you want a workout, carry around all of your textbooks and try walking to class with one foot in the street and one foot on the sidewalk.  You will have to lift the street side of your body up to sidewalk level every other step (and you will work out the other side of your body on the way back from class).  You might feel like an idiot but don't worry, you look like one too.
5) Stand on one foot as much as possible.  This works your abs or something (give me a break, I'm not majoring in health sciences).  Just put one foot on top of the other while you wait in line or brush your teeth.  Try to keep your balance without looking stoned.
6) Pace while you study flashcards.  Do something different for every word - you will feel so awesome in class when you think '"Binary Fission" that's the card that I studied while I did squat thrusts'.  Some ideas include: lunges, bunny hops, hopping on one foot, grapevine, happy feet, the electric slide, jazz squares, pirouettes, kick-boxing, and walking like a hoopoe (you stick your leg straight out in front of you and then lower it slowly to the floor with each step - that was quite a workout for me every day, let me tell you).
7) Stretch while you watch TV.  I'm not sure if this actually counts as working out but it will help you not to be sore at any rate.  Hold each position until a commercial (or, if you use netflicks like all other college students, then hold for a certain number of minutes and keep your phone in your lap to see when your time is up).  If you do this right, people probably won't even notice that you are stretching (or if they do then they will just think that you are super flexible or something).
8) Speed-clean.  Give yourself five minutes to clean your whole dorm room.  You have no idea how out of breath you will be at the end, or how happy you will make your roommate.
9) Be that person who always climbs things.
10) Integrate crunches into your homework.  Every time you finish a page, do 10 sit-ups.  Or, every 10 minutes, run down the hall to the stairs at the end, down the stairs, across the hall beneath you, and up the stairs at the other end.  Warning: people might think that you are crazy and/or stalking them when you pass by their room every 10 minutes for 3 hours.

So there you have it.  10 ways to trick yourself into working out.  It goes without saying that most of these things should be done alone and/or where no one who will judge you can see you.  It will help if your roommate is gone a lot and/or if you can get him/her to do theses things with you.

Happy lunging!

Necessities that are Necessary #1

Necessary Necessity #1: An electric tea kettle

All college students are hipsters to a certain extent (let's face it, you can't read Virginia Woolf and not be a little bit hipster).  Because of this, you will drink tea even if you don't like tea.  I would actually suggest that you learn to like tea now because tea is awesome.

Anyway, boiling water in a microwave is really annoying and if you are me then you tend to burn yourself every time you try it.  To that end, it is best to invest in a really good electric kettle and learn that it is best not to add the teabags directly to the kettle (shockingly, you have to wait until you pour the water into your mug to add the teabag).

For extra points, try drinking tea out of a mason jar whilst wearing a slouchy home-made hat.

Pajamas

Ok people, make sure you understand this: if your pajamas are see-through, they are X-rated.  That means that you should not be walking around the common areas, bending over, or play-fighting with the guys down the hall whilst wearing what can only be described as a "nightie".

The ideal college pajamas consist of long pants, preferably the kind that you stole from your brother because they had pockets and girl pajama pants never do; and a shirt that is not see-through or clingy.  The same goes for you men but you probably didn't have to steal your pajama pants because you can just buy them yourselves without shame.

If you like to sleep in underwear and a t-shirt, or a skimpy nightgown, or boxers, or whatever else you may have become accustomed to, just know that your dorm mates are not your family and don't need to see that.  If your roommate is fine with you sleeping in your skivvies, great, just don't frolic through the hall in socks and briefs.  We WILL come in the night and spray-paint all exposed areas of your body bright green.

You have been warned,

Manners

Some things that you should be sure that you do so that you won't fit into the stereotype of the college student that is so wrapped up in his/her own world that no one else exists.  Your relatives will hate you if you do that.

1) Promptly write nice thank you notes for all packages, gifts, and money received from your relatives.  Anything received from your immediate family can be thankified through a phone.
2) Call your parents at least once a week, your siblings every few weeks, and your grandparents before every major holiday - it helps if you have a stock of questions and things to talk about so that you don't have awful silences (or you could just stop being socially inept)
3) Writing letters is preferable to email and Facebook
4) Call people on their birthday, even if you sent a card (and especially if you sent a howler - there's nothing quite like hearing them explode into birthday wishes)
5) Tell people when you will be coming back into town so that you can see them (this goes for friends and relatives) - if you DON'T want to see someone, suck it up because you won't be able to hide your arrival from them (unless they are high at the time which is a distinct possibility given the new marijuana legislation)
6) At the end of each semester or year, print out a couple of photos of you and your friends and mail them to your relatives so that they can see how you're doing, make sure to include a note

This might all seem like a major imposition but your family will thank you and you will feel more attached to home and other mushy stuff like that.

College Logic

I'm not sure what the root of this phenomena is, but once you get into college, your thought process completely changes and makes your decisions be completely legitimate to you (even though adults just don't get it).

For example:
- When the cafeteria serves macaroni and cheese that is gross, you decide that you MUST HAVE good macaroni and cheese.  You then hijack the nearest car, drive to Safeway, and buy boxed macaroni and cheese.  Unfortunately, you forgot that you don't own a pot or have any way to use a stove to actually make the macaroni.  The next logical step is to use your electric tea kettle to make the macaroni - not only that, but you then feel brilliant for having discovered a new use for electric kettles.
- When it snows during the night but it doesn't really accumulate enough to build a snowman, you proceed to steal the snow off of parked cars and pile it up into a snow-lump.  You also continue to do this even after you have set off three separate car alarms.  You then act indignant when security shows up and tells you to stop.
- When you get tired of doing homework and have a slight mental breakdown from the futility that is organized schooling, you do not simply take a break.  Instead, you challenge your hall to a "worm race", a game that you invent on the spot which involve wrapping yourselves tightly in blankets so that you can't move your arms or bend your knees, and then seeing who can get to the library and check out a copy of "As You Like It" the fastest.  Then, you decide that you are really cool (which is a conclusion that is reinforced by the sudden popularity of "worm races" on campus.)

With college logic, nothing is off-limits, and nothing is stupid until you have thoroughly experimented and proven that it isn't smart.  If you practice college logic now, you will be a revolutionary in college like the certain Frosh who invented "Worm Racing".

This Totally Counts as a Post

Yesterday, I had some turkey noodle soup that definitely had chicken in it instead of turkey.  Which begs the question: why would they change the name of a commonly accepted food to something else, but then not change the food.  I have concluded that the lunch ladies must not be able to spell "chicken".

Ponder that.

Swag

There are three ways to obtain college swag:
1) Free handouts at sports games or school events
2) Prizes from drawings or volunteering
3) Buying it in the bookstore

The goal in college is to obtain as much swag as possible (and yes, that is indeed the ONLY reason to go to college).  So obviously you will attend lots of sports games, school events, drawings, and volunteering escapades.  The thing is that the really good swag is usually only available through the bookstore and it is really expensive - try $60 for a sweatshirt.

The trick to getting swag from the bookstore is to buy at opportune times.  Don't buy anything during big event weekends where parents might come to visit because they jack the prices up (if your parents buy stuff for you though, feel free).  Don't buy things right when a new design comes in.  Wait for things to be on clearance or in an off-season (buy shorts in the winter and sweatpants in the summer).  If you get along with your roommate, each buy different swag and then share them so that you have twice as much.  Don't buy school supplies or art supplies in the bookstore if you can help it - it is simply unethical to charge someone $7 for a pack of notecards just because they are convenient.  Come on, people.

Anyway, to review: stock up on free swag, buy your swag cheap, know that you are loved :)

C is for Coffee

We have already established that coffee is the lifeblood of the college student.  Something that I hadn't realized was that some people don't know how to make coffee - how you could get through 18 years of life without ever making a pot of coffee, but whatever.

To make a pot of coffee:
1) Put a filter in the basket under the lid
2) Pour coffee grounds into the filter - the amount of coffee is super subjective so play around with it a bit until you figure out how strong you like it
3) Fill the pot with the same amount of water as you want coffee
4) Pour the water into the reservoir behind the basket - there will be a little vertical window that will tell you the water level
5) Close the lid and turn the machine on
6) Wait for the machine to stop making noises like a constipated elephant
7) Drink your coffee
8) Leave the machine on until the pot is empty so that it will keep the coffee hot
9) Turn the machine off, rinse out the pot, and feed the grounds to your little brother

Once you reach this point, you may as well start making a new pot because you will need a constant supply of fresh coffee.  Good luck!

Annoying Habits

There are so many things that have the potential to annoy your roommate/dormmates.  I would be annoyed how much of an imposition it is to live in a dorm, but that would be an annoying habit.  Annoying things include: anything that makes noise, anything that causes you to only be partially dressed, anything that makes a mess, anything that prevents your roommate from sleeping or studying.

Some examples are:
- Playing an instrument
- Turning the light on early in the morning or late at night
- Leaving clothes on the floor
- Exercising in the room
- Leaving your door open when playing music
- Letting your ostriches poop on your roommate's bed

The thing is that being annoyed by your roommate doing any of these things would also be considered an annoying habit.  It's like a viscous time-space continuum circle of annoyance.  The key is to take turns.  If your roommate tells you that something bothers him/her, fix it and then you can tell him/her about something that bugs you a few days later.

It goes like this:
Person 1: It bugs me when you play that screamo music
Person 2: Ok, I will fix that
two days pass
Person 2: Would you mind not leaving dirty dishes on the counter for days at a time?
Person 1: Oh I'm sorry!  I'll wash them
a week passes
Person 1: When you get up before me, could you not play with your maracas?
Person 2: Shoot, I'm such a spaz.  I'll make sure I stop that
etc

If there is something that you do that annoys your roommate that can't not do (like drying your hair or practicing an instrument), try going somewhere else to do it, or choosing a time to do it when your roommate is in a class.  You could also compromise by suggesting that she can obsessively clean whilst you play your instrument.  Or you could just murder her in the night and then pretend you didn't.  That always works too.

Anatomy of a College Pillow Fort

Pillow forts are like crack.  You will continue to build them in college.  I present to you: The Ideal Pillow Fort (holla)

The elements of this fort are the following:

1) A blanket attached to the top bunk and enclosing the bottom bunk

2) Two chairs and/or other supports for the other end of the blanket (we used a desk chair and a music stand)

3) Blankets draped around the sides to cover all of the holes

And inside the fort:

Inside the fort you can see:

1) Pillows lining the sides for maximum comfort

2) The air mattress that you sketchily stole from your neighbor without her knowledge and are now using as a foundation

3) Food and/or movies and/or loot of some kind to hoard inside of the fort

4) The bed itself which was included in the fort and is now a couch and/or a shelf for all of your loot

Tips for the ideal pillow fort:

- Use afghans in places where you want light to come in

- Run a cord through one wall so that you can plug in your tv and have a light

- Spear a ball of yarn on top of the music stand that you used as a support so that it won't poke holes in the blankets.  Then, attach the blankets by wrapping a stretchy headband around them once they are over the ball of yarn.

- Take note of which walls/surfaces you can lean against and which to avoid

- Put any beverages inside of thermoses so as to avoid having to do laundry at midnight because you spilled hot chocolate on your roommate's pillow

College Books

You will be handed about 37.96 books that will tell you how to go to college.  You can get something out of them if you really try, but most of them are full of things that are 100% intuitive.  These books will tell you things like "make sure you sleep in college just as much as you do now", or "make sure you don't get caught with illegal substances".  So innovative, college book, thanks.

Anyway, feel free to read college books in your "spare time".  Go for it.

Just in case you don't have any spare time on top of school, homework, a job, extracurriculars, college apps, scholarship apps, family, friends, and sleeping, I will now sum up every college book ever for you.  Here goes: College Is Different From High School, But Don't Worry, It's Not That Different.

So there you go, that sentence is just as useful as any college book.
Cheers!

Hoarding Supplies

Start saving up the things your parents get for you.  That sounds really weird but if you like an expensive shampoo or a certain brand of toothpaste, start hoarding it so that you won't have to buy if for yourself in college (or at least start testing out the cheap stuff because you won't pay more than $5 for anything in college ever).  Just ask your mom to buy more for you before you've used the one you have so that you slowly accumulate things.  Don't worry, it is really neurotic.

The last thing that I want to spend my money on right now is hairspray and lotion.  I know that if I had started hoarding things before last summer, I wouldn't have run out of everything before the end of the first semester.  Apparently, roommates don't really appreciate it when you mooch off of their stuff everyday.  Shocking.

Really, you should just get used to being neurotic because that's how you will have to be to survive for the next five years.  Hint hint, you can also hoard school supplies and guitar strings.  Just don't stock up on food before you get there because apples do not stay fresh for months.  Also shocking.

"Elective" Classes

Picture to yourself the difference between pre-Fontanna PE and post-Fontanna PE.  PE used to be easy and there was no homework involved, much less writing.  Now, PE actually involves work.  This bizarre change that is completely unrelated to suckish administration is comparable to the difference between high school electives and college electives.  College electives aren't easy A's.

Classes like art, theatre, physed, dance, sports, etc have just as much homework and reading as regular classes.  Don't sign up for things like that and expect to do no work and just get easy credit.  You WILL be disappointed.  These AREN'T the droids you're looking for.

The only difference as far as I can see is that electives have fewer tests.  Really though, that's just because it is a lot harder to find a way to conjure up an essay question about brush-strokes than it is to just ask for a painting.  You will still be assessed, it's just more practical assessments than written ones.  This all just means that you have to make friends with your elective professors because they will be grading you subjectively and you don't want them bashing you like an art program at an un-named charter school.  Just go to some of the extra little events that the creative and sports departments hold and make sure that your professor sees you there.

Things Your Mom Should've Told You

Before you leave for college, you should know these things (especially if you are a girl but if you are a guy they still might be interesting):

1) Wearing foundation is fine but if your face looks like it has been powdered, you are using the wrong kind/too much.  Similarly, if your face is a different color than your neck, you are still using the wrong kind/too much.
2) You don't have to have something to say about everything, you don't have to be involved in every joke, and you don't have to comment on things you weren't involved in.
3) If you don't know how to walk in heels, don't wear heels.
4) You should know who the following people are: Alfred Hitchcock, Hayley Mills, Matthew Perry, Tennessee Williams, CS Lewis, Mary Chase, Herman Melville, Gregory Maguire, James Taylor, George Harrison, and Richard Zanuck
5) Pot smoke smells like a skunk.  It does not smell good.
6) If you want him to like you back, talk to him about sports.  Guys: if you want her to like you back, talk to her about her jewelry.
7) If you wouldn't wear that skirt around your dad, don't wear it around other people.
8) If people don't want to stand directly in front of you when you talk to them, it means you have bad breath, are wearing too much perfume, and/or have BO.
9) It is not always necessary to have 10 things in a list.

The Ultimate Showdown: Peak verses College Profs

GOOD NEWS! You do not have to be intimidated by college profs.  The professors can choose what levels they teach so the ones that teach the intro classes you will take your freshman year are the ones that want to deal with your confusion.  CERTAINLY these teachers expect you to be serious about class and show up on time, HOWEVER they are still humans and do not actually eat children.  ALTHOUGH college professors are traditionally portrayed as mean and vindictive, Thespians are generally portrayed as geeky losers and we all know how true that is.  THUS don't even bother being intimidated by your profs because they will just think it is mildly amusing and then tell you to get a grip.

Also, just so you know, Peak teachers are more similar to college profs than you may think.  Case in point, the stereotypical prof would be:
- Strict: Flanhofer
- Hard: Flanhofer
- Challenging: Flanhofer
- SUPER knowledgeable about their subject: Flanhofer
- A über grader: Flanhofer

Luckily, actual college profs are all of those things but are also:
- Hilarious: Flanhofer
- Approachable: Flanhofer
- Innovative: Flanhofer
- Entertaining when they lecture: Flanhofer
- Very willing to be nicknamed: Flanny Pants

Oh would you look at that!  It looks like you already have experience with a college professor!  Shocking!  Just spend some time around Flanhofer and you'll be ready to deal with your profs, no problem.

The Things That Peak Has Taught Me

Peak prides itself on being "college prep".  Unfortunately, Peak in also tragically misguided and flawed so the actual "college prep" that goes on outside of academics is lame and flacid and makes you want to poke yourself in the eye very hard just to dull the monotony.  Despite Peak's best efforts, I did learn some things in high school that have been helpful in college.  None of them were learned through the counseling office.  Go figure.

1) Parking.  Do not attach your parking sticker directly to your window.  Stick it to something clear like a plastic bag and then cut it out and tape that to your window.  That way, when you can't find a spot in the student lot(s), you can just take the sticker out of your window and park in the visitors' lot.  Then you can revel in your genius.
2) Valid excuses.  "I forgot" is a better excuse than "The power went out" or "Oh, that was due today??"  Make your excuse the truth whenever possible.  Your teachers will respect you more and be more willing to give you another chance if you don't lie to them.
3) Studying around noise.  You must master the art of studying in any environment.  After cramming for finals backstage during a musical in the dark, you can study anywhere.  Get very good at this.  Dorms are never quiet.  Libraries are never quiet.  Common rooms are never quiet.  Get used to it now or you will suffer later.
4) Fend for yourself.  If you want a Bible study or a club or an event, make it happen.  That's how you get what you want because if you wait for the school to do something, you will be waiting forever.
5)  Use your teachers for your own amusement.  If you have a boring class, make all of your questions rhyme, or add the phrase "according to Chuck Norris" to the end of every sentence your teacher says (in your own head), or count the number of times you can make your teacher say the word "revolution".  If you are bored, it is your fault because you are not trying hard enough.

Props to you if you learn other things from Peak - I never could.

Those Things You Wear on Your Body That Look Like Clothes

Those things are called clothes.  In high school, it matters a lot what you wear.  Here, unless you are majoring in, well, fashion, you can pretty much wear whatever you want.  In fact, if you buy sweatpants from the bookstore with your college's name on them, you can wear those pretty much anywhere.  No one will judge you if you show up to class everyday in comfy jeans, a sweatshirt, and a ponytail (unless you are a guy in which case a ponytail is just a little too hipster).  Really the only reason to put any thought into what you wear is in order to attract the opposite sex (which, if you are able to flirt at all, you should be able to do very well in sweatpants anyway).

The fact is that there are so many people at college that no one will remember what you wear unless you make a comment about it.  So don't go about saying "Man I was lazy when I got dressed this morning" or things such as that.  If you pretend that you are normal (none of you peakers are) then you will seem normal.

If you desire to be in style for some reason, just dress like you live in Boulder and occasionally say things about "mainstream".  Don't claim to be hipster though because that ruins the illusion.

The Way Syllabi Work

*POSSEXCLUSADVICE: I really have no idea if this is a universal college concept or not*

In high school, you get a syllabus and forge your parents' signatures and then turn it back in and never see it again.

In college, your syllabus is your lifeline.  All of your homework for the whole semester as well as what you will be doing in each class period will be outlined in your syllabus.  Homework won't be put up on the board, you won't be reminded about tests and due dates, and you will be expected to look in the syllabus for the requirements for each assignment.  I swear, if syllabi had arms, they could easily take over the world.

I like this system because it makes it super easy to predict when you will be drowning in work and when you will have time to party (and by "party" I mean "go to Bible study", duh).  The only evil thing about it is that some teachers will try to trick you by hiding assignments in the class-explanation part of the syllabus and not in the chart with the rest of the homework.  I have a professor who literally laughed maniacally when 90% of the class didn't have part of the homework for that day because he had made it so that you had to have read the entire syllabus in order to understand how to do it.  So yeah,  use your syllabi or your professors will cackle at you (and not in a cute-but-slightly-creepy Quinlan way).

Also, in case you didn't notice, I am still a little bit strapped for topics so if you have ideas or suggestions, let me know!

Things Cost Money

Money: the scourge of the college existence.  We all plan to pay for tuition and maybe even room and board, but there are so many things that I never thought about budgeting money for.

There are the things your parents used to pay for but don't now:
- Your cellphone bill
- Groceries and snacks
- Textbooks, school supplies, testing fees

There are the things that you never had to buy before college:
- Laundry detergent and use of the machines
- Coffee (you might have bought this before but you will buy it in bulk now)
- Printing in the library
- Fastfood at midnight

Then there are the things that you just forget that you have to buy:
- Gas / paying people back for gas
- Waterproof shoes because it does actually rain in Washington
- Admission to concerts and other awesome events

All together, you should be sure that you have an extra $1,000 or so for random things that cost money each year.  If this is a super-huge problem, try looking on fastweb.com for little scholarships that you qualify for.  They have really random ones that are like "Here's $500 for being tall", or "How about $300 for being able to juggle".  Just apply to like 10 of them because they are so obscure that you very well could be the ONLY ONE who applies at all.  If you can't juggle, use your awesome photoshop skillz (or something).  You can use those scholarships to fill in the gaps so that you have some cash left over to buy 50 slinkies with for your next prank.

When Parents Come

When your parents come to visit, make sure you do the following:
- Stock up on food and other things
- Force them to eat a meal in the cafeteria so that they will be more amenable to buying you other food
- Go out to eat as much as possible
- Clean your dorm room BEFORE they get there
- Tell your roommate to shower
- Bring your roommate with you when you go out because she/he is just as sick of cafeteria food as you are
- Pick them up from the airport so that they know you love them

It might also be a good idea to, you know, talk to them and stuff but it isn't strictly necessary.  Try to seem well-adjusted and self-sufficient to the point that they don't have to worry about you, but not to the point that they stop sending you care-packages.

Give all of your inappropriate friends some ketamine so that they won't drop in unexpectedly and ask if they can borrow your weed/cigarettes/tap-shoes while your parents are there.  Along that line, hide all of those things and surreptitiously leave some impressive-looking papers and textbooks laying around.  If you can, check an upper-division chemistry book out of the library and take a page of really complicated notes on it using all of the long obscure words that you can and leave that on your desk - see what your parents make of that when you tell them your classes are easy.

Sorry I disappeared

It is parent's weekend over here so I have been visiting with my mom and little brudder over the past few days.  Fear not!  I will be posting again quite soon and I promise you will not die in the meantime (maybe rugify slightly but that is beside the point).  Happy Saturday everyone!

I'm At A Loss

This whole process of blogging is getting a little boring for me.  It's like bald people who don't have mustaches - there's just something missing.  So I'm going to ask you all to lend a hand.  Comment on what you like (or don't like), Google+ me with the button under the popular posts, help me out with ideas on what to write about, or follow me (not literally because that's creepy and I probably wouldn't notice anyway so it would really just be a waste of your time).  There are several of you who are wonderful and comment regularly, but I want to know what the rest of you think.  Plus it's more entertaining for me if this is more of an interactive process.  Basically, please just help me grow some mustaches because being a chick, it's hard to do that by myself.

Poison

There are some websites that are poisonous to studying as well as all other forms of productivity.  If I was particularly conniving, I would only list helpful websites as I know that you will visit them wanting to know why they are poisonous.  I am not conniving (today), however, and so the following list is to be perused at your own risk.

Contents may shift during shipping.  Not a significant source of calcium.  Parental guidance prohibited. Reading this sentence removes the writer of this post from liability for any tests you fail or homework you don't do because of this list.  For best results, consume immediately.  Do not refrigerate.  Top rack dishwasher safe.  Microwaveable.  College tested and approved.  All rights reserved (and some dibs'ed).  Serving size 1 cup.

And now the list:
- Hulu (duh, you know that)
- Netflix (whoa!  You did not see that coming)
- dog-shaming.com (if you have pets, you win)
- stumble.com (addictions are easily formed)
- Facebook (shocking)
- peakerssurvivalguide.blogspot.com (funny as heck)
- Buzz feed (so ... many ... links!)
- 22 words (there are way more than 22 words)
- Google Art Project (or any other site like it)
- Anything that is a "Chrome Experiment"

I'm sure there are more but I got distracted by tumblr...

Be Careful What You Learn

*Posexclusadvice: only really useful at Christian/religious schools*

Just because someone is a professor does not mean that they are right about everything.  Many Christian schools integrate faith into all of the subjects which is great if your professors believe in the same doctrine that you do.  I have a history class that studies Western culture from the perspective of the development of Christianity (it was required).  For this class, we are reading a book that discusses in detail the idea that the universe is supposedly populated by a host of spiritual beings that are engaged in a divine struggle with God and that is why other religions exist.  Yeah.  This guy is using the same scriptures that I memorized in Sunday school to try to prove that other "gods" exist.  A bunch of people in my class just accepted this opinion as fact without any additional research or contemplation.

The moral of the story is know what you believe.  It is natural for your faith to evolve as you grow up but you can't accept every idea at face value.  Professors will actually respect you more if you debate and defend your own principles (assuming that your professors are more like Señor Matthews than Mr. Matthews (if you get a Mr. Matthews, just drop the class - save yourself)).  Don't be one of those people who decides that ducks can give birth to ostriches just because your professor shows you a picture of a duck laying a textbook sized egg.  Those are the people that get laughed at later on by talking about the extraordinary growth rate of duck fetuses.

Good Thing, Bad Thing

Let's play a game.  This game is called Good Thing, Bad Thing.  Here are the rules: I will provide an example of something you could say or do to give yourself a certain reputation at college and you get to guess if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Here goes:
1) Publicly talking about how you read every page of every reading assignment that is assigned to you
2) Refusing on principle to clean your side of the room until the layer of krap closest to the floor begins to desiccate
3) Bringing an ihome into the bathroom to play hipster music when you shower
4) Talking loudly about your sexual and/or boozy escapades in high school
5) Singing along to the songs when watching Disney movies
6) Folding other people's laundry when you need to use the machine that they left their clothes in (this is known as "Laundry Fairying"
7) Baking in the dorm kitchen
8) Always having food in class
9) Wandering around the dorm in skimpy pajamas every night
10) Always being sober when on campus

Answers:
1) Bad Thing
2) Bad Thing
3) Good Thing
4) Bad Thing
5) Good Thing
6) Good Thing (but don't fold other people's underwear because that is weird)
7) Good Thing
8) Bad Thing
9) Very Bad Thing
10) Good Thing

How did you do?  If you got at least a 75% then you will have a good reputation in college!  If not ... then, well you might want to buy a fedora.

I Swear That This Happened

It is story time today.

My roommate, Evie, was walking back from dinner by herself a few days ago.  Our dorm is about two minutes' walk away from the cafeteria on a well-lit sidewalk.  She was crossing the street and a car was coming towards her so a guy who had been walking a few yards behind her ran across the road to beat the car.  It wasn't a close call or dangerous at all but he ended up walking next to her.  She had no idea who he was but that didn't stop him from telling her about his day.

After a few sentences, he said "Wait, we've never been introduced have we?"
"No, we haven't" she said.
"Oh... well... it doesn't matter" he said and then kept on talking about his day.
"No really, what's your name?" she asked
"It doesn't matter"

Needless to say she was kind of weirded out by this but they were almost back to the dorm so she just kept walking.

"Huh," he said, "I don't usually do this when it's so dark out."
"Do what?" she asked
"Oh it doesn't matter" he said again and then just kept talking

When they got into the dorm, one of the other guys who lives there waved at the creeper guy and said "Hey! D Man! What's up?"
"Is that your name, D Man?" she asked.
"Nah," he said, "It doesn't matter" and turned down a hall towards his room.
Evie was sufficiently creeped out for a while.

So, the moral of the story is: if you want to be creepy, act like this guy.  Also, if you want a really good party story to tell, just walk back from dinner by yourself and hope that you get mildly creeped on.

College Clocks

Every college is in its own little time-zone.  It's some kind of weird Twilight Zone time-warp thing that ends in no one getting any sleep ever.  Things just start late in college and I really don't get it.  I mean, what about 9:45 PM says "Gee, wouldn't it be great if we went to a Zumba class right now!?".  I don't know about normal people, but I don't really want to go to things that don't even start until 10 or 11 at night, especially when I have class the next day.

There are people in the dorm that I have never seen asleep.  Ok, that sounds creepy - like I seek out people to watch sleep.  But seriously, I have always gone to sleep before these people and gotten up after them.  I spent a year and a half as an insomniac and I got more sleep then than these people do now.

Things just start late here.  This wouldn't really be a problem if things didn't also start early.  I can't go to a 10:00 PM church service that lasts for two hours, do homework for an hour, and get up the next day for an 8:00 class.  Maybe some people can but those people have more Adderall than I do.

So pretty much, you have to pick between sleeping and going to everything.  Pick like one school night a week to go to things late at night and sleep the rest of the time.  I promise that if you don't go to everything, you will not become a social pariah.  No one will even remember you not being there unless you routinely incite rebellion or stand on a soap-box and give Preuss-like lectures.

Moochers Part 3: Homework

Mooching homework is tempting in college because the classes are only half a semester and the assignments tend to stay the same so it is easy to share files or mooch answers off of someone who either does their homework ahead of time, or who took your class last semester.  It really seems like professors would have been through enough school that they would realize how tempting that system is in terms of mooching.  Maybe if you read too many textbooks, you lose the ability to empathize with us lesser beings who don't have doctorates.  Unfortunately, mooching homework in college is also dangerous because if you get caught, you will be pretty much instantly expelled.  Insert righteous indignation here.

So, when mooching homework, it is permissible to ask for help, share notes, and trade flashcards and such.  It is absolutely a bad idea to copy anything, share entire essays/assignments, or give someone your old tests.  Basically, picture Flanny watching you mooch things from people and if there is steam pouring out from under her ears, make a note not to do that kind of mooching in the future.

Anyway, there aren't really guidelines for mooching homework, just trade evenly and repay people with food.  Don't ask hoopoes for their homework or there will be feathers all over it.  Bad idea.

Just don't get expelled or I'll feel bad.

Moochers Part 2: Food

Food = power.  Food = freedom.  And, despite what your mother always told you, food = happiness.  It is good to have a stash of food in your room in case you miss a meal or are studying so hard that you can't even make it to - ok I couldn't even finish writing that sentence because food is also more important that studying.  Anyway, you want to have food around.

Moochers: If someone is, for example, eating goldfish out of a big bag, it is perfectly permissible to steal a handful for yourself (that is assuming that you know this person.  Please don't steal food from strangers).  If someone has food in huge quantities, tap that.  Giant tubs of red vines are your friends, as are Costco portions of anything.  Do your best not to mooch special or expensive food unless it is strictly offered to you.

Moochees: If you don't want to share, don't eat around other people.  Duh to the nth degree.  There is a guy in the dorm who is always eating jelly bellies but refuses to share with anyone - don't be that guy because we are scheming to steal his jelly beans and replace them with some kind of tiny turd lumps.  Don't keep your stash in plain sight if you can help it.  It is best to designate food that is for sharing by just setting it out in the open (a bowl of something on a table or to pass around during a movie).

Polite ways to mooch food: Offering something does not require a symbolic rejection ("Do you want a brownie" "No thanks" "Are you sure?" "Oh I guess that in the past two seconds I changed my mind and now I do want one.  Also, I am a moron" don't do that - if you want the brownie just take it flat out).  It's shocking, I know, but asking permission is always better than just taking things.  Trading is good - if you want my popcorn, give me some of your beans.  NO, the is NOT what she said, Stacia.

The best foods to have around are: Goldfish crackers, babybell cheeses, little candy things, off-brand chips (they are cheaper), juice/soda, coffee/tea, and popcorn of all varieties

Moochers Part 1: Cars

This moochers series will look at mooching from the perspective of the moocher and the moochee, and highlight polite ways to mooch each object for maximum efficiency.

Mooching is a fact of college life.  You simply cannot bring everything that you want to bring and still be able to see the floor in your dorm room.  So you kind of have to bring what you can't live without and hope that someone else will have brought that thing that you occasionally can't live without.  Borrowing, sharing, lending, whatever - it's all mooching.

Cars are a hot mooching commodity because there are far more moochers in need of rides than moochees with cars.  There is also an added complexity with cars because you cannot (usually) mooch just the car, you must also enlist the car's owner to drive it because you do not want to be responsible for their car (or, you don't want to lend your car to me because you know that I like to drive on the wrong side of dirt roads just because I can).

Moocher: Just know that gas costs money so if you want to go somewhere far away or somewhere that the owner of the car was not actually going, cough up.  Tagging along is the best way to mooch a car - wait for the owner to say, "I'm going to Fred Meyer, be back in an hour or so" and then pounce and ask if you can come.  If the driver doesn't immediately say yes, take the hint that you are unwanted and go back to trolling for rides - it helps if you don't smell like pot and if you wear a tight shirt.  This way you aren't really mooching, you are accompanying.  Pay for your driver's milk and call is square.

Moochee: Get ready because you will constantly be bombarded with requests to drive people places, pick people up from places, and carpool to places you aren't really going.  It might be best to conceal the fact that you have a car from people who seem needy and/or people who look like they might make a midnight Jack in the Box run and then be too tired and/or fat to walk all the way back and call you to pick them up at one in the morning.  Have a list of ready excuses for turning people down ("I have a class" works well, so does "Um, I hate you so no").

Polite ways to mooch cars: (has the word "mooch" lost all meaning to you yet?  It stopped being a word to me somewhere around the third paragraph) Plan ahead.  Plan.  A.  Head.  Plan a freakin head.  If you arrange in advance to go somewhere, it will feel much less like mooching and much more like a fun friendly outing.  Wear your seatbelt.  Don't call to get picked up unless it is an emergency.  Duh.  Don't be overly rowdy or stupid when riding in the car (don't flirt with other cars at red lights, don't throw things out the windows, don't bring along four other people that the driver doesn't know, especially if one of them may or may not be Darth Mal, wear your seatbelt).  Offer gas money - $5 per 15 minutes spent in the car in a good margin, more if you know you are inconveniencing your driver.  Wear your seatbelt.  Did I mention you should wear your seatbelt?

When College Kids Play Games

It is shocking how much college kids like to play/do/watch childish things.  We have built a mattress slide on the stairs, played Disney "scene it", watched "My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic", and had an extended sock fight in the laundry room.  The idea is to just go with it and not pretend you don't think it's cool, no matter how childish you might consider any particular activity to be.

It is a good idea to bring at least three of the following things:
- Twister
- Apples to Apples
- Disney movies
- Goldfish crackers (The snack that smiles back)
- A hoola hoop
- Movies with a cult following (The Princess Bride, Monty Python, Tangled, Harry Potter, etc)
- Dr. Horrible goggles
- Super Soakers and/or Nerf guns
- Jelly beans
- A boy-band poster
- An ugly sweater
- Whoopie Cushions (plural)

Don't go overboard with this stuff - you still want to appear capable of having a conversation that isn't about farts.  About once a week, feel free to take part in some kind of ridiculous activity and/or inter-dorm tree climbing race.  The best way to use these objects is to keep them out in plain sight and wait for someone else to point at one of them and say, "Oh my gosh, that Firbie scared me so much yesterday when it was sitting in your window looking down at the quad!!" then you can begin the epic "Hide the Firbie Somewhere Slightly Disturbing" contest and see how many people you can freak out.

College and Cliques

Well... cliques... don't exist in college...

Good news for everyone!  College students seem to have finally matured beyond the point of teaming up against each other.  I'm not saying that people don't form friend groups or that everyone likes each other, just that people don't ostracize each other.

It isn't really possible to have just one group of friends - you'll have friends from your dorm, friends from class, friends from clubs, and friends from the cafeteria and other miscellaneous places.  Pretty much all you have to do so that people won't hate you is either have snacks or have movies.  Having ostriches works to but those are harder to fit into your dorm room.

Just make sure that you don't "remake" yourself to the extent that you have to be someone else around each of your friends - that won't end well.  One of the girls on my hall did that and then she was busted after only two weeks when one of her friends from class heard her talking to us in the cafeteria and asked why she didn't have a southern accent anymore.  Oops!  Yeah, don't do that or you might actually get ostracized.  You know, if you alienate everyone, then it doesn't matter if people aren't teaming up against each other because they are all individually mad at you for being fake.  It's one of those "the pieces sum up to greater than the whole" things.

Consider this a busy signal...

I'm very sorry if you expected an actual post today.  I have a dress rehearsal to attend and midterms to study for so there will not be a proper post today.  Tomorrow you will be returned to your regularly scheduled program.  For now, enjoy this fancy little riddle: How many college students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  None.  When the lights go out at college, you just party in the dark!

Suckers: The Ultimate Remedy to Sleeping in Class

No matter how interesting any given class may be, it is still possible to sleep through it.  Heck, if you were up until 1 the previous night because there was a full-contact brownie-making party in the dorm kitchen, it is possible to sleep through anything.  You don't want to alienate your teachers or miss out on content, though, so you need some way to stay awake in class that doesn't involve Adderall.

This is where the fourth grade comes in handy.  Remember how your would get a sucker if you were good in class?  And then you could sit there eating it and everyone would be jealous?  And that was where your narcissism complex was born?  Yeah that's the part of fourth grade that is useful (never mind that whole long-division debacle).

Suckers.  Lollipops (if you want to be "politically" correct).  They are yummy.  They are brightly colored.  They are full of all kinds of sugary goodness.  They are a staple of the college classroom.

Ok, so when I say that suckers are a staple, do not be confused.  No one really eats suckers in class.  BUT THEY SHOULD.

It is impossible to fall asleep whilst consuming a sucker.  That is a scientific fact.  I tried it and it cannot be done.  I suggest that you buy a big bag of suckers (they are cheap at Target and Walmart) and keep one or two in your pencil case at all times.  Make sure you get the full-sized kind because dum-dums are too small.  If you start to feel tired in class, just pull out a sucker and put it on your desk.  Wait as long as you possibly can before you eat it.  It will sit there and call out to you and keep you awake long enough for the end of class to be in sight.  Once you can't stand it anymore and your saliva glands are so active that the person next to you moved down two seats so her notebook wouldn't get wet, open your sucker.  You may now eat it SLOWLY - no biting allowed.  Make it last and do your best to focus on your work.

If your professor challenges you for eating in class, just calmly inform him/her that suckers are Dr. recommended* and that your professor should be flattered that you are making such an effort to remain conscious in his/her class.  If all else fails, offer him/her your extra sucker.

Just in case you were wondering, yes, I am a revolutionary.  Tell your friends.  Comment below.

*This astrix is implied when you speak so it isn't really a lie, it simply alludes to the fact that "Dr." here is not short for "doctor" it is short for "dork" as in "the dork who writes this blog I read"

To Mac or Not To Mac

I have a Mac.  I was actually convinced that I wanted a PC but my parents talked me into getting a Mac and I figured that as long as they were footing the bill, I might as well upgrade.  Overall, the Mac is better.  It runs smoother, has fewer problems, is easier to customize for student use, and generally exceeds expectations.

However.  There are some things about it that I hate.  Whitworth is a PC school.  All of the professors have PCs and the libraries are also all filled with nice little banks of PC Processing Power.  That means that anything that I submit online has to be re-formatted on a Windows or requires several extra steps so that the professors can read it.  I bought Microsoft Office software that is on my computer but it is angsty and doesn't actually have blank templates that would work for writing papers (they are all fancily formatted specials with pictures and annoying colors that I can't use - I think my professors would flay me alive if I submitted a paper on the "Business Document 1" format which includes colored side-bars, graphs, and automatically inserts footnotes when I try to parenthetically cite things).  So I have to use Pages which itself has many drawbacks.  Pages doesn't have an option to change the language for Spanish or Swahili papers so I have to turn off the spell-checking software or the little red lines make me suicidal.  Then I have to transfer the papers to a PC to spell-check them before I print them.  Pages doesn't have a built-in dictionary or thesaurus.  Pages doesn't have very accurate proofreading software (it likes to underline random words like "mash" or "create" and tell me that they are underlined because I should "Never Hyphenate" them.  Thanks, I think I knew that "ostrich" doesn't have a hyphen in it, pages).  Pages doesn't have a way to stop it from spellchecking certain words (Whitworth IS A WORD, you freak).  Pages has shortcuts for accents but they are accents in the wrong direction so I still have to look up the letters in symbols and insert them manually (I tried to turn in a paper with backwards accents in it and my professor handed it back to me and told my not to write things in French.  Gee, thanks).

I think that if I wasn't a student, I would have zero problems with my Mac but here, at a PC school, I am incompatible with their programs.  So I guess my advice is so get whichever operating system your school uses (look for pictures of the library on the website).  It's just easier that way.

PS: it is entirely possible that I am simply a computer fail and that there are easy ways to fix all of my problems with my Mac.  I don't care, the point is that I haven't been able to figure it out which is itself a problem with the system because I have tried many times.  It would help if the tech support here wasn't limited only to Windows (they laughed at me in the library when I asked if there was anyone who could help me format my Mac).  *Sigh*