Those 5 Questions

In pretty much any conversational context, people will only ever ask you 5 questions about college.  You will answer these 5 questions over and over until you would rather rip off your own arm just to have something to fend off the conversation with.

Those 5 Questions are:
1)  So where are you going to school?  Oh gosh, it's like not only was the last conversation that I had with this person about college boring, but they don't even remember it and so now I must have it again. Seriously, if you are going to pretend to care, at least remember what you are pretending to care about.
2) What's your major?  Clearly not conversational skills or I would have seen you coming a mile away and made a run for it.
3) Do you like it?  No, I am choosing to study something that I hate for the rest of my life.  I am just such a sadist that I would like to suffer for all eternity.   Really, I need not have bothered because I could have just had THIS conversation.
4) What do you want to do with that major?  Oh come on, this question is "what do you want to be when you grow up?"'s big brother.  It's time for some more creative questions here, people.
5) Are you getting good grades?  Well, see, I've spent 13 years now in our messed-up education system  in which being good at school matters more than actually learning and retaining information, so considering the fact that I have pursued more expensive ways to spend my life in this system, I think I'm pretty good at it by now.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the thought or that this isn't a perfectly valid conversational outline, but I have had this exact conversation more that 30 times.  I stopped counting after 32.  Watch the most entertaining cat video 30 times and you will begin to hate yourself - and this conversation is no cat video.  I would love to talk about college with people, but only if they can come up with some original questions, or maybe even comment back once and a while.  That's the thing with these questions: no one ever has anything to say about your answers! "What's your major" "Spanish Education." "Oh... so you would ... well, What do you want to do with that major?" "Gee, I don't know ... maybe EDUCATE someone about SPANISH"  Out of the 30+ times that I have had this conversation, I have never had anyone say anything interesting back to me after I respond.  No wonder I'm cynical.

I'm writing this post now because it is the holiday season which means you will, in all likelihood, see some relatives and acquaintances who will want to ask you these questions.  So I have prepared some answers and responses that make the conversation slightly more bearable.

1) So where are you going to school?  Answer with your school's name and the state/city that it's in (to head off Question #1's twin brother "Where is that?").  Then, before your person can say anything else,  tell them something interesting about the school/city/state that you would like to talk about.  If they bite, you can delay the rest of the conversation.  I like to go with "Oh yeah, Whitworth is in Washington.  They say that the skiing up there is ok but I don't think it compares to Colorado."
2) What's your major? The best tactic here is to scare them away.  Tell them what your major is and then start talking about that really interesting and technically complex that happened to you in that class with a really long name while you were studying this subject that no one has ever heard of.  Try to drop in three words that your person won't be able to pronounce, and round it all of with a question back at them in another attempt to steer the conversation away from the rest of the 5 Questions.  For example, "Oh, I'm majoring in Spanish Education, so I'm taking a whole bunch of these really hard Spanish classes.  I took the CLEP language proficiency test at the beginning of the year and I got put in a Junior level class that I was really excited about, but the teacher turned out to be a total moron.  Once, she was trying to explain how to conjugate in the pluperfect subjunctive tense but she got it completely confused with the preterite imperfect tense and had no clue.  Did you ever have any teachers like that?"
3) Do you like it?  If your person is still asking the questions at this point, you are doing something wrong.  Still, the best way to answer this question is by sounding unsure about how committed you are, but putting on a brave face.  "Well, I love Spanish and I've spent a long time in school learning all of the grammar and vocab and stuff, but I've never really taken any education classes so I don't know how I'll feel about that.  I figure that it's always useful to speak another language and I could easily major in something else as well.  I'm pretty sure that I'll stick to Spanish Ed because it's what I'm passionate about, but I'm trying to stay open to anything at this point."  Notice that you never actually answered the question.  Ms. Cyr would be so disappointed after all of her "Answer the Prompt!" AP prep stuff.
4) What do you want to do with that major?  Admittedly, for some majors (like Psychology - seriously, what could you possibly spend your life doing with a Psych major) this is a legitimate question, but people don't seem to care if your major has an obvious career path attached to it, they will still ask you this.  It is best to just flat-out answer whilst making a last desperate stab to not have to answer the last question.  "I'm hoping to teach Spanish on a high school level, but there are always jobs for translators and stuff.  Still, I would rather people listen to what I have to say, then what some other person is saying through me, you know?"
5) Are you getting good grades?  You have been defeated.  They got all 5 question in.  Just give up and walk away. "Oh yeah, I'm pretty good at school by now.  Sorry, it looks like my mom wants me to help her with some hosting job that I just made up on the spot, excuse me."

You are now armed with the weapons you need to fend off The 5 Questions.  Just remember SIT CUB FAR: Something Interesting, Technical Crap, Unsure Brave-Face, Answer, Run.  Good luck running the holiday gauntlet.  At least you know that I am here for you with semi-helpful, heavily sarcastic responses to all of your questions.