Cafeteria Fewd

*WARNING: Possexlusadvice! - Whitworth only (maybe)*

I am far too lazy to organize this into any sort of sequence so I will just "dump" a bunch of food isms on you and you can "bucket" them (Look, Flanny!  I'm using your technique!!).

(My wonderful roommate, Evie, helped me with this because I ran out of ideas after the third bullet point so, if you like her suggestions (it's a combination of she and I after that), comment below so that we can feel special)

- Food service is much worse on the weekends than on the weekdays.  There is no obvious reason for this; maybe they think most students will be off-campus all weekend or something, but there are half as many options on the weekend.
- Desserts tend to be weird and/or gross.  Apparently, pudding can't just be pudding - it has to be bizarre mutant pudding with soggy nuts in it and random globby things floating around.  They get a little too experimenty with desserts.
- If the servers don't know what kind of meat they are serving, do not be served that meat.  It might not even be food.
- The soft-serve ice-cream machine isn't really broken, they just forgot to put ice-cream in it again.
- Chinese food is never good.
- If you see a long line for something, go stand in it because that is the best option that day.
- Gravy is evil.  Especially chicken gravy (which strongly resembles phlegm).  Don't even go there.
- You CAN take a plate from one section and put food on it from another section.  You don't actually have to put your waffle in the cereal bowls that are sitting by the waffle irons.  That would be loony.
- Since the cooks can take full creative license with your food, their own bodily excretions, and the floor, so can you!  Feel free to mix the stations together (extra points if you can get unwarranted dirty looks).
- If anything looks dubious, add ranch.
- Ostriches do not know how to serve food.  Don't get in those lines.
- Thank the lunch peoples!  They need love too, just like Draco Malfoy in A Very Potter Musical when he writes that sad crayon letter to his daddy.
- Steal food from the lunchroom whenever possible.  You have no money for food because they are already charging you the tax of Bulgaria to eat there.  Also, it gives you something to look forward to everyday.
- Randomly singing "Happy Birthday" just to see how many people join in is EVIL.  Don't be that sadistic child. (Evie thinks this is something that you SHOULD actually do, so I suppose we are divided on that matter)
- Bring your own thermos in and fill it up from the coffee machines there instead of paying for coffee in the "Mind and Hearth" (yes, they are so clever).
- Don't buy things with flex dollars if you can avoid it.  It's a huge ripoff.
- Don't steal food that you will not eat just so that you can scientifically document the process of it decaying.  Your roommate will throw it away and/or sit on it and then your day will be ruined.
- GOD OF THUNDER!!!!!! (sorry, inside joke, just go with it.  I promise it's funny)
- If you eat something funny, be honest about the fact that your colon is now infested with a particularly  virulent colony of gas giants (hee hee!  punny!).  Chances are he/she ate the same thing and is experiencing the same cosmic colon war that you are.
- If you are eating cream of wheat and you spill a huge portion of it in your lap in front of your new crush, own it.  Please, just own it.  I promise he noticed.  Maybe he can help you clean it off ;)
- If you know you need to look good, don't ask for extra sauce.
- Feel free to turn to a random stranger at your table and do a tooth-check.  Cafeteria spinach just loves to chemically bond to your fillings.
- Don't put your keys on the conveyor belt with your dirty dishes - they won't come back out the other side when it comes around and you will have to go sheepishly ask the cute cafeteria guy to help you get them back (or maybe you should do exactly that.  It might be a really good line...)
- If someone drops a plate, applaud them.
- Anything caffeinated in the cafeteria is a medical-grade diuretic.  Abandon hope all ye who drink coffee here.
- On Sunday, they serve breakfast until 2 PM.  It's weird.  I don't get it either.  Just get used to eating breakfast again after choich.