Moochers Part 2: Food

Food = power.  Food = freedom.  And, despite what your mother always told you, food = happiness.  It is good to have a stash of food in your room in case you miss a meal or are studying so hard that you can't even make it to - ok I couldn't even finish writing that sentence because food is also more important that studying.  Anyway, you want to have food around.

Moochers: If someone is, for example, eating goldfish out of a big bag, it is perfectly permissible to steal a handful for yourself (that is assuming that you know this person.  Please don't steal food from strangers).  If someone has food in huge quantities, tap that.  Giant tubs of red vines are your friends, as are Costco portions of anything.  Do your best not to mooch special or expensive food unless it is strictly offered to you.

Moochees: If you don't want to share, don't eat around other people.  Duh to the nth degree.  There is a guy in the dorm who is always eating jelly bellies but refuses to share with anyone - don't be that guy because we are scheming to steal his jelly beans and replace them with some kind of tiny turd lumps.  Don't keep your stash in plain sight if you can help it.  It is best to designate food that is for sharing by just setting it out in the open (a bowl of something on a table or to pass around during a movie).

Polite ways to mooch food: Offering something does not require a symbolic rejection ("Do you want a brownie" "No thanks" "Are you sure?" "Oh I guess that in the past two seconds I changed my mind and now I do want one.  Also, I am a moron" don't do that - if you want the brownie just take it flat out).  It's shocking, I know, but asking permission is always better than just taking things.  Trading is good - if you want my popcorn, give me some of your beans.  NO, the is NOT what she said, Stacia.

The best foods to have around are: Goldfish crackers, babybell cheeses, little candy things, off-brand chips (they are cheaper), juice/soda, coffee/tea, and popcorn of all varieties